Operation: Break Up Kurt and the Hobbit
by seductionleadstodestruction
Summary: Or, how Finn and Puck are terrible matchmakers.  If there were a third genre choice it would be friendship  or bromance, but that's not an option .
1. Chapter 1

_Warning: A bit of Blaine bashing in this one. I adore Darren Criss, but I am not a fan of Mr. Anderson._

**Operation: Break Up Kurt and the Hobbit (Or How Finn and Puck are Terrible Matchmakers)**

As far as first boyfriends go, Kurt is pretty positive his is the best. With his curls, his voice, his charisma… Kurt's absolutely convinced he hit the boyfriend jackpot.

Even after his return to McKinley, Blaine still spends every Saturday with Kurt at the Hudmel house, remembers his coffee order, and, Kurt's favorite, asks him to prom by serenading him with a High School Musical song.

Puck, Finn, and Sam, however, do not find Blaine to be as perfect as Kurt likes to believe. And no, it's not because Puck thinks he's too short, Finn is an overprotective brother, or Sam has an entirely obvious crush on Kurt.

Although all of these things are contributing factors.

On the weekend before prom, Finn invites Puck and Sam to the Hudmel residence because he has an idea for 'a really awesome Glee number that will like, be really awesome,' and because Blaine comes over on Saturdays and Finn has a funny feeling about him.

When Puck arrives it's only eight in the morning and he knows Finn and Burt will still be sleeping and Carole is out doing the womanly errands she always does Saturday mornings, so he texts Kurt (who he knows wakes up at 7:30 every morning for his skin care routine) to let him in.

Kurt opens the door already dressed in what Puck calls one of his fuck-me-outfits. "The dwarf here or something?"

Kurt shoots Puck a glare. Puck smiles widely.

"Finn won't be up for at least three hours, Puckerman," Kurt informs him, ignoring the question altogether.

"Now how do you know I'm not here to see you?"

Kurt huffs and turns away from Puck, walking toward the couch. When he plops down unceremoniously onto the sofa, ruffling his clothes in the process, Puck's eyes widen. "Dude, you okay?"

"Don't call me dude," Kurt lazily corrects, slouching (yes, _slouching_) into the couch. "However, if you must know, I'm not okay. Blaine called right before you got here to say he can't visit today."

"How come?" Puck curiously questions.

"Apparently he forgot he had tickets to some concert today."

"Why aren't you invited?" Kurt shrugs, a frown creasing his features. "What a dick."

It's about six hours later and Kurt, Finn, Puck and Sam are all mentally exhausted. It was about ten minutes into Finn's explanation of this awesome Glee number (he gets sidetracked really easily) when he thought of something that would make his 'really awesome idea even more awesome!'

"Let's get Kurt to help! He uses really big words and stuff, he'll be really good at this."

And so Kurt was summoned from his room (where he was sulking) and into the living room to help the three jocks write a 'manly song'.

With only a verse written on the piece of notebook paper that sits on the table in between them (Finn swears it's taunting them), the boys decide a break is much needed. Sam flips the paper over and a simultaneous sigh of relief results.

This is when Kurt learns that guys gossip just as much as girls do.

"-and Quinn has gone psycho-crazy about being Prom Queen-"

"Dude! Lauren, too! Well, she also talks shit about Quinn a lot-"

"-and I can tell she's still upset about the whole 'Lucy Caboosey' thing-"

"-but mostly it's just about being elected. Apparently they're fighting over-"

"-even though a bunch of fat girls are voting for her now-"

"-all the votes of the fat girls at school-"

"You two are terrible, you know that?" Kurt cuts in. Puck and Finn stop talking immediately and turn to Kurt. "You really shouldn't be talking badly about your girlfriends."

"If we can't talk shit about them then who _can_ we talk shit about?" Kurt glares at Puck's smirk, then turns his glare to Sam who is failing at hiding his amusement.

"Something funny, Sam?" Sam shakes his head in a serious manner, his eyes downcast and lips forming a straight line. "I thought not."

And then Sam bursts out laughing.

Finn, for a moment, fears for his new friend's life. He's not positive, but he's pretty sure you're not supposed to tickle a sleeping dragon or something like that. His eyes meet Puck's from across the table. Puck's jaw is dropped, and he can't seem to decide if he should look at Kurt, Sam, or maybe even the floor.

Kurt laughs.

Finn stares in shock and Puck lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

Sam never stopped laughing in the first place.

Finn and Puck are both pretty positive something meaningful just happened. The two best friends look at each other and then back to Kurt and Sam, whose laughter is finally dying down.

Yeah. Something just happened.

They'll just have to ask Kurt or Sam later exactly what it was.

"Oh my gosh we have a verse and a chorus we are so awesome!" Finn blurts loudly when Kurt finishes writing the last line of the chorus. "I think, since we did so awesome today, we should just finish this up next weekend."

"That sounds like a fantastic idea," Puck agrees instantly. He got tired of songwriting about two hours before they started.

Kurt and Sam agree as well.

Puck and Finn take this as a sign that they are soulmates.

Just as Finn opens his mouth to announce this obvious love, Kurt says, "Blaine's concert is over by now. I think I'm going to meet him at the Lima Bean."

And then he walks through the living room and out the door. Finn is confused, Puck is outraged, and Sam has big lips.

"Dude, what the hell? How could he ditch us for the hobbit?" Puck breaks the silence followed by Kurt's surprisingly anticlimactic exit.

"Yeah! And that's after the hobbit- _Blaine_ ditched him!" Finn adds.

The two boys turn to Sam, waiting for his contribution.

"Um…" Sam pauses. "Darn him."

Puck eyes him questioningly while Finn just nods strongly. Sam averts Puck's eyes and after a moment Puck chuckles.

"I don't like him," Puck announces, looking at Sam for confirmation to his newly formed theory.

"Hey!" Finn exclaims. "Kurt's my brother now and-"

"Shut up, Frankenteen. I meant the hobbit, not Kurt. I don't like the hobbit."

"Oh, yeah, me neither. I get a bad feeling from him," Finn says simply. Puck nods and continues to look at Sam.

"Yeah, Kurt could do better," Sam finally states.

"Dude, Finn, Sam totally wants to fuck Kurt," Puck says casually, a moment after Sam.

"What?" The two other boys exclaim. Sam's face is similar to a tomato or an apple or something else that's red while Finn looks mildly disgusted.

"Gross man, that's my brother!"

Sam stutters for about ten seconds and then sighs.

Puck takes this as confirmation and ignores Finn's sputters.

"Unfortunately for Sam, Kurt's already dating the hobbit," Puck says needlessly. Sam calls him Captain Obvious. Finn continues sputtering. "Fortunately, it really isn't hard to break two people up, especially two people as ill-fitted for each other as Kurt and Blaine."

"I dunno man, Kurt's actually been pretty happy ever since he started going out with Blaine. I don't want him to be all sad if they break up…" Finn, ever the good soul, interjects. Puck knew he was listening through his sputters.

"I have a plan to save us from that, though. I say, tomorrow night, we'll all meet back here with Kurt. Somehow, with my intense skill of conversation, I'll make sure we end up talking about the hobbit. We'll get Kurt to tell us about their relationship and how Blaine treats him and shit. I mean, after he made out with Berry at that party, you _know_ the dude is probably just as douchey at other times."

"…I don't understand," Finn's eyes are blank as he looks at Puck.

Puck sighs. "We'll make Kurt realize how big of an ass his boyfriend is and he'll totally dump him! You know once he realizes he's being treated like shit he'll go all HBIC on the hobbit's ass."

"Okay, great, so Kurt's single, but how will that make him like me?" Sam asks impatiently.

"I don't know, dude, woo him or some shit. My job is to break Kurt and Blaine up. You've gotta do that yourself."

Sam sighs and Finn shrugs helplessly at him. He still doesn't completely comprehend what Puck just said, but it sounds pretty good. Finn grins at Puck widely.

"But wait-" Sam interjects suddenly. "What if Kurt gets to talking about Blaine and he actually _is_ a good guy. I really don't want to sit around and listen to the guy I like gush about the guy he likes."

"Two points: One, Blaine is totally a douche but just in case, you don't have to show up. We'll report to you later. And two, did you just say 'gush'?"

Sam sticks his tongue out at him.

"Did you just stick your tongue out at me?" Puck asks incredulously.

"Okay, I'm leaving," Sam announces, standing and stretching.

"Wait, I haven't told you the name yet!" Finn and Sam roll their eyes simultaneously, but decide to humor their friend. "This will be Operation: Break Up Kurt and the Hobbit."

"…Seriously?"

Finn would laugh, but he knows from experience never to make fun of the names Puck comes up with for operations.

Puck nods enthusiastically and Sam just rolls his eyes and walks out the front door.

Puck reaches over to high five his best friend when Finn suddenly says, "Wait, since when is Sam gay?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Warning: A bit of Blaine bashing in this one. I adore Darren Criss, but I am not a fan of Mr. Anderson._

**Operation: Break Up Kurt and the Hobbit (Or How Finn and Puck are Terrible Matchmakers)**

It's Sunday afternoon and Kurt is looking at his step-brother and the mohawked kid like they are insane. At this point, Finn is pretty sure they're just as insane as Kurt thinks they are. He's positive that it's some type of etiquette that you don't look someone in the eye and say, "so tell us, are you gettin' any from the hobbit?"

Finn's also pretty positive that Puck wouldn't know etiquette if it punched him in the face. Now Finn's wondering when on earth he learned the word 'etiquette'. He blames Rachel.

But then Kurt's answering, "Not that it's any of your business, Puckerman, but no. Blaine and I have not engaged in coitus."

"No, dude, I'm asking if you guys have had sex," Puck informs him. Kurt's eyes squint a little and he stares at Puck as though he isn't sure if he's actually human. Finn doesn't understand why Kurt would look at Puck like that, because he never answered Puck's question and it's totally normal to ask again when people don't understand.

"Coitus is the same thing as sex. As in, no, I have not had sex. I am a virgin," and then he mutters something unintelligible with a bit of a scowl on his face. Puck looks at Finn and does a weird thing with his eyebrows, and Finn guesses that eyebrow thing means something but he doesn't know what, so he wiggles his own in response. Puck looks lost as to what Finn means so Finn just looks away from his best friend and back at Kurt.

"What did you say about Blaine there, at the very end?" Puck asks Kurt quietly, and if Finn could choose any word in the world to describe Puck right now it would probably be something like 'compassionate' or 'gentle' or possibly 'mohawk'. He seems to really care about Kurt in that moment and Finn is left wondering when he went from throwing Kurt into dumpsters to caring about his love life but he can't think on it too long because Kurt's crying now.

"He doesn't think I'm-" He pauses for a second and wipes his eyes. His cheeks turn red and he lets out a self deprecating chuckle. "You'll think it's stupid, but he doesn't think I'm sexy."

Finn doesn't think it's stupid, but he does think it's odd, because aren't you always supposed to think the person you're with is sexy? Isn't that the whole point?

"Why do you think that, Kurt?" Finn questions, because maybe Kurt is just misunderstanding. Then Finn remembers the whole reason they're here is to convince Kurt that Blaine is a jerk, so maybe that wasn't the right question. Too late, he supposes.

"He told me!" Kurt exclaims, suddenly less sad and more angry. "We performed this stupid song and apparently, when I'm trying to look sexy I just look like I'm having gas pains!"

"Wait- he _said_ that to you?" Puck asks incredulously. Kurt nods miserably. "So you don't have sex because he can't… like," his voice drops to a whisper, "_get it up_?"

Finn knows they're having a serious conversation. He _knows_ that. He laughs anyway. Luckily Kurt laughs too, so he isn't in danger of being castrated or something equally as terrible.

"That doesn't really have anything to do with it," Kurt assures Puck. "I mean, we rarely kiss, actually. And when we do, his voice, telling me I'm not sexy is always there in the back of my mind and I… Why should I give myself to someone who won't even appreciate it? That's not… That isn't how it should be."

Finn has knots in his stomach and Puck feels himself getting angrier with every word out of Kurt's mouth.

"It isn't a big deal, really," Kurt continues. "I don't think I'm ready for sex just yet."

Kurt is shocked that neither boy makes a crude comment after his confession. The tears that fill his eyes now are of pride for these two 'meat-headed' jocks that have come so far in barely over a year. It surprises him how much he realizes, in that moment, that he loves them. While he's only related to Finn by marriage, and not related to Puck at all, he sees them both as brothers.

He realizes he can tell them anything.

"Would you guys mind just… Just listening to me for a little while? I've just had some… There are some things I want off my chest. Some things I maybe want your opinions on. Would that be okay?" He asks, only mildly timidly.

Puck locks eyes with Finn who actually understands this time what the look is about.

"Yeah, Kurt. We'll listen."

The three boys sit in the living room of the Hudmel house for two hours, discussing Kurt's relationship, before Puck's mom insists he come home immediately so that he can see his Nana before she leaves.

Finn mocks him. Puck says, "My Nana is cooler than you'll ever be, Hudson."

Finn takes this very seriously and insists that Puck go see her if she really is that cool.

After their mohawked companion leaves, Finn and Kurt sit on the couch in silent for a few minutes before Kurt says quietly, "Do you think he's like that on purpose?"

At first, Finn thinks he's talking about Puck, and this confuses him greatly. Only a few seconds pass before he realizes Kurt means Blaine.

"I don't know," he replies honestly. "I mean, he acts that way knowingly, and he doesn't seem sorry for any of it, but I'm not sure if he actually realizes what an ass he is. Maybe he's just used to people falling at his feet."

Finn realizes he should have said something like 'yes, Blaine acts terribly on purpose because he actually hates you' because then Kurt says, "I think I'm going to give him a last chance."

"Um…"

"At prom," Kurt elaborates, "I'll let him take me to prom. He did work so hard on that High School Musical number."

"And if he is a jerk at prom you'll dump him?" Finn verifies unsurely.

"Well," he begins, "Puck seems to think that Blaine wants me to be like everyone else… To fit in. But the truth is, I _don't_ fit in. That's just how I am. I'm different, and that's the best thing about me. I… I saw this _really_ amazing kilt that I wanted so badly to buy for prom, but you know what I thought?" Kurt doesn't wait for a response before continuing. "I thought, 'Don't do it, Kurt. You know Blaine won't like it.' How wrong is that? To make a decision based on what someone else will think of it?"

"That's right," Finn absently agrees. He isn't really sure what exactly he should be saying, anyway. "Soooo… If he's a jerk at prom, you'll dump him?"

"I'm going to evaluate the way he treats me when I'm being myself. I'm going to see how he reacts when he sees that his boyfriend is wearing a kilt to prom."


End file.
